Micro

To kick off what I should have known would be a bad weekend, I went to Shoppers to get my flu and covid shots. I am scared of needles, which is one of those uninteresting personal statements—aren’t most people scared of needles? It’s like saying in a whispery confidential manner, “I sometimes get nervous about public speaking,” or “I hope to fall in love someday.” Just basic human instincts.

Anyway, I’m never so scared I can’t do it, but I have to look away and I get a bit flustered. The pharmacist was really nice, chatting with me about the mall and different stores to distract me. I have noticed that people who work at Yorkdale always have recommendations about other stores in Yorkdale, which makes sense—they’re there so much. I never know anything, even though I’m there often picking up all my prescriptions at Shoppers—I find it a confusing mall, apparently the busiest and most profitable in Canada. So I appreciate the tips. So I was chatting with her and the first shot really hurt, and I was trying to keep it together and as she scooted around to do the other one I commented inanely, “Well it must be easier to get your Christmas shopping done early, working in the mall.”

Reader, she was clearly Muslim—she was wearing a hijab. And I have taught myself, and been taught by experience, not to do this kind of dumb thing—there are plenty of nice non-denominational things you can stay to a stranger who is helping you. It is extremely disappointing to learn that, when I’m the least bit thrown, all my careful self-training flies out the window. We both hesitated for a moment and then fumbled on with the conversation. She was just as nice as before, though perhaps a trifle more awkward. I thought that maybe I should apologize, but I thought that would put more pressure on her and drag out the unpleasantness. Also sometimes I get that kind of thing myself, someone clocks my last name as Jewish and apologizes for inflicting Christmas on me, and then I have to either nod slightly dishonestly or tell them I do in fact celebrate Christmas, and tell them way more about myself than I would like. I decided to leave it alone and leave my micro-aggreession unapologized for.

In the morning, not realizing how bad the side effects were going to get, I set out to do some errands that involved a lot of walking—there’s just no bus that goes that way. I left late and skipped breakfast, thinking I could stop for brunch at a place that’s near the errands, but everything took forever and it became lunchtime proper and i was pretty much dying of hunger and vaccine side effects and then the brunch/lunch place was very crowded and I just gave up and went to McDonalds. This sounds bad but I almost never get to McD’s and I actually love a McMuffin, so I felt ok about it. But of course, noon on a Saturday was family meltdown central. I was listening to a woman at the next table coach her kid on eating one nugget at a time—she called them “nuggies” and I was trying to figure out why I like most slang and neologisms but" “nuggie” was somehow repellant—when a woman at another table slapped her daughter.

I heard it more than saw, but I’m pretty sure she hit her arm or her hand—it’s possible she just whacked the table, I can’t be positive. It was a group I had clocked as tense earlier—a mom, a grade one-ish girl and a six-ish boy, and a miscellaneous man in his 50s, maybe grandpa or who knows. The man was doing most of the talking, at first I thought just a blowhard but then after the smack I thought maybe to defuse tension. The mom started yelling, “Stop pretending to be a dog, you are not a dog and there is no reason to act like that. You are NOT A DOG!” If it weren’t for the hit, it would have been pretty funny. The little girl didn’t seem too fazed, and went back to her iPad—no one else in the restaurant looked up. And the thing is, when I was small, I did not get hit but I can remember my parents occasionally just coming to the end of their ropes in unpredictable ways—who cares if your kid pretends to be a dog—when I was a kid. Not very often, but it happened. Family life is weird, you can’t explain what drives people nuts or makes them feel safe. Nuggie.

I wanted to leave but I was too hungry to abandon my food so I stayed to finish it. it was a friendly McDonalds: the elderly couple next to me thanked me for moving my things to make more space for them, and the nuggie woman smiled at me as she left. Another elderly woman arrived and told me they were out of eggs; I apologized for having probably gotten the last one. A staffer came over to the new elderly woman and said it was good to see her and that she was looking better; the woman said it was good to be back, and to see her as well. It was clear she’d been ill, and that she was a regular. She said she had turned 88 recently, and that she’d never expected to see 88. I was excited for her, but I wasn’t really a part of the conversation so I finally left.

I went to the grocery store where I started to realize that I wasn’t just tired but dealing with some kind of reaction to the shots, and then I started wondering if I was going to faint. I didn’t, but I did go home and sleep for the rest of the afternoon. Before I left the grocery store I learned another new word, which is Balikbayan. No Frills has been advertising that you can get them there when you buy a certain amount and I almost always want whatever deal No Frills is offering (I don’t get out much, ok) but I didn’t know what this was. I finally figured out is a box that people who have immigrated from the Philippines ship to family back home, filled with treats and presents. So I can’t get that but it’s a nice thing to know about.

By about 10 last night I had a fever and wasn’t making much sense so I went to bed and dreamed that my grandparents came to visit and I was like, “Wait, I thought you were dead. And aren’t you 110?” And around 3am I could hear Evan throwing up but we couldn’t find the vom and then this morning I realized because after all these years for the first time he threw up in the shower. What a little hero.

I’m feeling better today but not better enough to tell you exactly what this post adds up to. I think something about how vast and challenging the world is these days, but still much more interesting and worthwhile than any alternative.

<3

RR