Howard and Bagel and Toys and Sticks

Great news: Linguist-in-chief Anne-Michelle Tessier is coming to town! Like Santa, only with more phonology. Will we attempt to co-write a Rose-coloured post from a deli? Will it be about why cats and dogs are similar and yet different, or about how we will eventually build this newsletter into an empire like The Toast (RIP), or bad things that have happened in O’Hare airport? Or all of the above? PROBABLY. It’s going to be amazing. This post, which AMT wrote, is also amazing. Enjoy!

In my ongoing quest to understand the cognitive states of my dogs Howard and Bagel, I come to you, in this month of secular gift-giving and shopping mall-overload, with Thoughts about Dogs and Toys. As you will be now be unsurprised to hear, Howard and Bagel have somewhat different views on this topic; Howard’s being more refined and nuanced and Bagel’s being more bouncy and pure.

I have arranged my observations thematically, from each dogs’ viewpoint. In some cases I found it impossible to express the necessary opinions without taking their perspective, and this text is italicized; in other places I felt I could adequately capture the vibes from a third-person perspective, and I hope you will forgive this flip-flopping but we are doing our end-of-year dark-times best over here.

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1) Howard on Stuffed Toys

First points: They should fly when thrown. They should squeak when squeezed. They should submit to your precise surgical procedures that extract their squeakers. … Wait why don’t they still squeak? A bit sad. [Ever was it thus, Howard - Ed]

Next point: The best thing to do with stuffed toys is to be chased while carrying them triumphantly. Bonus points if the chaser ALMOST grabs it from you but at the last minute you are too quick and trot away triumphantly, while the chaser maybe nearly crashes into a fireplace or similar. Additional bonus points if you can carry more than one stuffie in your mouth while still holding up your end of the chase.  

Slightly shameful sidepoint: In extremis, like if you heard a scary noise outside, their desqueakered bodies may need to have their stuffing removed, but mostly that’s a childish way that we have put aside [i.e., usually this is just Bagel, see below].

As to their Provenance: They should appear on and from high and somewhat mysterious locations, such as the top of the piano, the mantelpiece, and also the crawlspace closet which is accessed through the ground floor bathroom (which makes exactly as much sense as it sounds, i.e., none.) They should appear every month or so, UNLESS you just remembered that one time when a toy was in that particular spot, in which case they are probably ALL up there right now. To signal that you have ascertained this (untrue) fact, you must stand beneath or beside the anointed location, staring fixedly with impossibly big eyes, then begin to whimper and cry with increasing urgency, stand on hind legs to get a better view of the non-existent toy, activate your best pointer behaviour (you are of course zero percent pointer)…and generally make everyone feel terrible for you, since there is NO TOY up there at all, and also there are like 15 toys within a 10 metre radius.

2) Bagel on Stuffed Toys

They’re great! … However, they are mostly only fun if you get to play chase and wrestle with them with your brother. (Humans are ok at this, but brothers are best.)

The other two best things to do with stuffed toys is (1) to pull all their stuffing out, through the holes that Howard made when he was desqueakering them and (2) to lie on one’s back in the middle of the living room carpet and hold a formerly stuffed limp toy-rag up in the air, as though Simba-ing the Lion King in The Circle of Life, and stare adoringly at the floppy unstuffed toy’s semi-carcass. The humans will not get over how weird, slightly bonkers and also somehow adorable this is, especially since many internet videos seem to reveal it is a general Golden Retriever thing, but what do they know.

3) Howard on Balls and Sticks

They mostly aren’t interesting, unless another dog has one in which case IT MUST BE YOURS (this is why Howard mostly does not frequent the dog parks anymore)

On walks, Bagel is allowed to carry and chomp whatever nonsense stick she’s found, even if it’s three time the length of her body and/or she manages to whap him in the face with its foliage while she wrangles it… until about half an hour into the walk, at which point Howard must assert his older brother status by stealing whatever stick she’s got at the moment and stomping off with it for about five seconds while she follows him crestfallen, and then when he remembers he doesn’t actually like sticks much, it gets dropped, allowing her to pick it up again (completely unfazed and joyous at her older brother’s generosity), and the walk continues as before.

4) Bagel on Balls and Sticks

Sticks are just great. Ideally they should be chomped on until they disintergrate, and this should be accomplished while lying on a moss- or fern-lined forest floor, best enjoyed while your brother and mom get kind of impatient about continuing this alleged walk.

And balls … are the absolute pinnacle of science, culture and human achievement. If there is a tennis ball, and you would like to throw it for Bagel and have her retrieve it – and by ‘retrieve’ she means “bring it 75% of the way back and then deposit it and look pleadingly until you close the gap  and throw it again” – and if you’d like to do this till the end of time, that would be excellent. Just let her know what time you’re coming over.

The survey still exists!